Sometimes,

no matter how hard we want to move on, we just can't. I wonder why. I am running away from my own blog in fear of someone closely related to me reading this. I just don't like to make them worried I guess. Shan asked me, " Why can't we move on?" Honestly, I do not have answers to that. I just feel that at times, no matter how hard we tried, we just can't. We can't accept the changes and we keep going back to how we were back when everything was fine.

Although deep down inside, I know that it is of no point to stick to something that has happened and with zero possibility to come back or return to how it was, I just can't move on without it. Although I know that all I am doing are in vain, I still doing it, alone, silently without letting anyone see them in me. I may appear a chatterbox who laughs, gets angry for no apparent reason and a stubborn bull but who sees the other side of me? The sad side of me. The part that I barely let people notice. I will venture my anger when I am sad, keep quiet for some time and come up with the lame excuses like the-weather-makes-me-quiet excuses. I will be alright in probably an hour and goes back to the chatty me so as to cover the whole something-is-bothering-me scene. There's very few people who actually know how I feel and understands them at the same time. I hate showing the weak part of me. I refuse to let people know that I am too a very emotional person who enjoys crying when she is watching drama. People may thought I am childish and immature as I am too talkative and outgoing. People do not know how much time I actually spend each day thinking bout things that will not happen and think bout matured things *they might not be very logical to think bout it though*.

Each time I make a decision, I am afraid that I will regret it. I will keep telling myself that it is a right decision. Though I may hurt from the decision, but for the long run, it is the best decision. Some may think that I think too much for someone my age while others will think that I am too carefree and take life too easily. I admit that I think too much. I will think about things that probably comes in about 10 to 20 years time and thus making myself worried too much. I tried my best to cover everything up with a smile. Yes, all those smile are from the heart, but I took great steps to make that happen. I keep myself occupied and keep myself busy. But when I am free and listening to songs *chinese one especially*, I can't help but to think back. No matter how hard I tried to put everything behind. Trying to change everything that might bring my thoughts back to it, they just come back flooding my mind.

Shan's monyet is right, why can't we lead a simple life? Why must everything be so complicated? Why do I question bout life again? I thought I am over it. But well, I guess I am not ready to move on just yet. =(